Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
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