got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
