we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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