Define "chronic" masturbator.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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