Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
