I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
