She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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