As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
