my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
