facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
