just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again