i wish starbucks made bloody marys
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.