i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
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How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
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You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.