i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.