So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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