I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
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