I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
