I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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