Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
