i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
