I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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