it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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