Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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