sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I did not marry a roomba.
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