I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
