Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
