I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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