Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
bring money and cleavage
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
