I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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