That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
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