she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
