someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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