and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
