Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
it hurts more in the daytime
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
