sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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