His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
