This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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