my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Of course I have a pirate flag
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
