I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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