I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
