This is not my ceiling
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
