Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
