put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Randomize
