You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
