Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Randomize
