As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
