the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
