Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
