i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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