You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I checked into jail on foursquare
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Randomize
