I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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