So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
