i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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