i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
