I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Randomize
