in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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