apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
