i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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