...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Randomize
